My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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