me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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