found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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