Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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