Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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