OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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