The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
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My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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