The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
