watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
