You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
