I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
