Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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