naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
