My liver just broke up with me...
I want to have your abortion
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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