i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
