Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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