Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
