There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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