If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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