After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
