The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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