on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
