his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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