So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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