you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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