my being single is dangerous.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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