Can i not drive my cunt home
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
