I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
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So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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