I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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