i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
