the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
