Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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