I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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