"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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