You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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