Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Couch. On fire.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
