If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
