i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
