I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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