I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
how drunk are you?
Several
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize