you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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