He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
