you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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