It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
