I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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