Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
