Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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