Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Pants are for mortals
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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