Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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