Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
