Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
