with your own penis?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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