We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
