Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
