you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
