I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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