Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
