I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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