My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
